Friendship: The Forgotten Resource of Vocational Resilience?
"Spiritual friendships aren't a luxury; they're a lifeline."
For much of my work as a Professional Pastoral Supervisor, I find myself asking leaders a simple question:
"Who is caring for you?"
Usually, the conversation begins with familiar themes.
We talk about prayer.
Rest.
Sabbath.
Exercise.
Boundaries.
Counselling.
Supervision.
These are all important. They are the practices we instinctively reach for when thinking about resilience.
But recently, since a gathering of Supervisors a week or so ago on this very topic, I've found myself wondering whether we've overlooked one of the most powerful resources of all.
Friendship.
Not networking.
Not professional contacts.
Not ministry colleagues.
Real friendship.
The kind of friendship where you don't need to perform.
Where your role doesn't define the relationship.
Where you are known, encouraged, challenged, laughed with, and reminded who you are apart from what you do.
What if friendship isn't simply a nice addition to a healthy life?
What if it is one of the most important resources for sustaining a life of faithful leadership?
The research is becoming difficult to ignore
For decades we've assumed that resilience is mostly an individual pursuit.
Develop better habits.
Manage stress.
Exercise.
Sleep.
Pray.
While these all matter, the research is increasingly pointing in another direction.
In 2025, the World Health Organization described loneliness as "a defining challenge of our time." Around one in six people worldwide now experience loneliness, with social connection recognised as a major determinant of both physical and mental health. Strong relationships are associated with longer life expectancy, lower rates of depression and anxiety, better cognitive health, improved workplace outcomes, and more resilient communities.
One distinction the WHO makes is particularly important.
Social isolation is the objective absence of relationships.
Loneliness is the subjective experience of feeling unseen or disconnected, even when surrounded by people.
In ministry and leadership, this distinction matters enormously.
It means that it is entirely possible to spend every day with people - and yet have no one who really knows you.
The Harvard study reached the same conclusion
For more than 85 years, researchers from Harvard have followed the lives of hundreds of people, making it one of the longest-running studies of human flourishing ever conducted.
Their most consistent finding is remarkably simple.
The greatest predictor of a long, healthy and happy life is not wealth, achievement or career success. It is the quality of our close relationships.
Robert Waldinger, the current director of the study, summarises decades of research in one sentence:
"Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."
Perhaps even more surprisingly, the study found that the quality of friendships matters more than the quantity. One or two trusted friends who know us deeply have a greater impact on wellbeing than dozens of casual relationships. These friendships also buffer the effects of stress, reducing the emotional and physical toll that life's challenges place upon us.
Yet friendship is often absent from conversations about resilience
One of the researchers whose work has profoundly shaped my thinking on resilience is Grant Bickerton.
Together with Maureen Miner, his research has consistently shown that personal resources play a critical role in vocational resilience among Christian leaders.
Their work highlights resources such as:
a secure attachment to God
spiritual practices
a strong sense of calling
theological meaning-making
faith identity
These resources predict greater engagement, lower exhaustion, and longer vocational sustainability.
It's an enormously important contribution that we must spend more time thinking through how to implement these into how to help leaders grow in resilience.
But recently, I find myself asking another question.
What if friendship is also a personal resource?
Not simply a pleasant extra.
Not a reward after ministry.
Not something we'll get to when life slows down.
But a vital resource that enables leaders to flourish despite the demands they carry.
Friendship replenishes emotional energy.
It provides psychological safety.
It reminds us who we are outside our role.
It helps regulate stress.
It reduces loneliness.
From the perspective of vocational resilience, these aren’t incidental benefits—they are exactly the kinds of resources that sustain leaders over the long haul.
C. S. Lewis understood this long before modern psychology
Few writers have captured the beauty of friendship better than C. S. Lewis.
He famously wrote:
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'"
Friendship begins when we discover we are not alone.
Lewis also reminds us that friends stand side by side, looking together towards something greater than themselves.
For Christian leaders, that shared horizon is often Christ, the Kingdom of God, and a shared commitment to faithful service.
Lewis even suggested that friendship gives meaning to survival itself.
Modern research would probably strengthen his point.
Friendship doesn't merely make life richer.
It appears to make leadership more sustainable.
Perhaps Paul understood this too
When Paul writes to the Christians in Rome, he says something that is easily overlooked:
"I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord. When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours." (Romans 1:11–12)
Notice the mutuality.
Even the Apostle Paul recognised that ministry was not a one-way relationship.
The one encouraging others also needed encouragement.
The one strengthening others also needed to be strengthened.
Healthy ministry has never been a solo endeavour.
A question worth asking
Perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask leaders today isn't:
"How are your spiritual disciplines?"
or
"How are you managing your workload?"
Perhaps we should also ask:
Who are your friends?
Who knows you apart from your role?
Who can tell when you're not yourself?
Who laughs with you?
Who reminds you of God's grace when you've forgotten it yourself?
Who encourages your faith, while allowing you to encourage theirs?
Because perhaps friendship isn't simply something that makes leadership more enjoyable.
Perhaps it is one of God's most overlooked gifts for sustaining us within our calling.
Here are some initial Questions for Reflection
Who are the friendships currently sustaining your life?
Are your closest relationships built around your role, or around who you are?
Who are the friends outside your ministry or workplace who remind you that you are more than your vocation?
What intentional step could you take this month to begin, deepen or invest in three life-giving friendships?
These questions are not about creating pressure or adding another thing to your life.
They are simply an invitation to notice what is already there, and to gently pay attention to the friendships that may be asking for care, gratitude, or renewed intention.
If you would like to take this a little further, I’ve created a short personal retreat resource designed to help you slow down, reflect, and intentionally cultivate the friendships that sustain your life and vocation.
You can download it here:
